/hell/ - internet death cult

https://youtu.be/Ma7lyfYzIw8
For all my friends in this thread.

>>4423
Thanks sushi. Your words are appreciated.

I kinda wanna get into a relationship, but I got no money.
And I also got no idea how to behave with someone else. With a friend, I just like talking for a short while, and then do my things. I'm busy with daily life but at the same time if I don't find someone else I'll be stuck with my previous partner in my head and it won't let me get to know more wonderful people.
It's more annoying when I became quite avoidant. Just dodging every person that comes into my life.

Someone just stab me and make me bleed out til i die.

>>4502
wya

Right now. And he doesn't love me back. But it's okay. I like the feeling of being in love even if nothing comes of it. It reminds me that I'm human.

>>4524
Misogyny acquired

>>4528
???? I am a bisexual man ????

>>4529
Ooooops

i think a couple of weeks ago! but not quite love, just like, adamant appreciation of them being in my life. not quite "ohhh i wanna be with you forever soulmate etc etc" but rather "i really appreciate having you around and i really like planning things with you!". days flew by like nothing and im realizing i felt lighter than air then.

i never quite experienced love like that with a friend i think. it's an intoxicating thing even though it's not quite the same as romantic love, and it's worth fighting for.

and then i messed things up by sleeping with their friend (which they encouraged) at the wrong time and then doing LSD with that friend, then they forgave me for all that, but now they're mad at me for a reason they wont tell me about. i think otherwise i'd be like "oh, whatever" but dang it really hurts not knowing how i hurt them T_T

it's been a week, but it's gonna be ok.

literally never since middle school. it's been eight years, but I don't exactly miss them anymore. it's honestly a bit concerning. i feel like i don't even love my parents anymore. i don't really want to be loved, either. love seems more like a foreign conjecture than a personal feeling to me.

>>4532
Depression? :’)

I wish I could express my love for someone without feeling awkward, I have always had a persecution complex so it's tough for me to come out and say it. I just end up dying inside instead and by the time I want to say something, it's always too late.
But there is a special someone. Very, very dear to me. I just wonder if she feels the same, I guess only time can really tell. I tried to "replace her" with other people, but I just ended up getting burned hard and I never even got to anything. So maybe she is the one I suppose.
How will I know? I can't tell, lost all ways of contacting her.

>>4524
i feel just like this. i'm so in love with a friend, he doesn't know but i'm absolutely 100% sure he wouldn't feel the same way, so all i can do is sit with it. even if it's painful it does remind me that i'm human too. things like this are bound to happen

last time i felt mutual love i fucked it up, perfect girl, so much in common and she's one of the few people who really understands me, i broke it off because commitment issues + still had feelings for guy i mentioned. i didnt wanna hurt her. i'd rather be alone than hurt her even without her knowing lol

i've accepted just being alone at this point because i seem to not know what i want, and when i do want something i fuck it up. hehe

>>4440
>It's more annoying when I became quite avoidant.
Ugh. I've been doing this for years with just platonic relationships. I meet somebody and we get along at first but once I get to know them I start to feel like it's a burden and just want to be left alone so I pretend to be afk online or use noncommittal, avoidant language in person. It makes me feel like I'm a really shitty person, but I can't seem to get beyond the feeling that maintaining relationships is a burden.

>>4537
I think I might have a poor understanding of the term avoidant.
In any case, the issue is that I become too invested at what might happen, and if things go south I tend to remove them from my life, which kinda sucks because later things may have gone well but I don't think that's a healthy mindset to have.
I don't like that kind of behaviour, if I can get to talk things out with someone I'd be more pleased, but with how most of the times I try something end up with ghosting, and the other person just doesn't seem to care as much as I do, it makes me annoyed and to avoid being hurt I just remove them ASAP.

I guess there is someone I have a crush on but I wouldn't call it love

>>4533
I'm not sure, sushi. At least I don't 'feel' sad or depressed. If being sad was the issue for eight years I'd have gone to a therapist already. It's something more ingrained, like an instinct I simply don't have, as if it was either surgically removed from me one day or never there to begin with, or something like that.

i feel pretty much the same as >>4537 who basically described word-for-word the relationships I had with friends in high school and on the internet. Socializing always felt sort of hollow. I would have periods of going offline for weeks, and the only thing that would have me come back to my friends was guilt. i used to have a particularly clingy and affectionate best friend who shared many of the same interests as me and loved talking to me, and as I would disappear regularly they would keep sending me messages as if I was still there. ignoring them made me feel really bad, but that irrational feeling of 'keeping friends is a burden' and 'wanting to be left alone' wins through, despite all their genuine affection towards me. at some point I snapped, cut contact with all school and internet friends for the last time, and have been on my own since. I have memories of hanging out with them and doing fun things are their home but what I feel should have been a watershed of sadness turned out to be little more than a relief when they moved to another city, and I didn't have to go out with them on the weekends every other week out of social expectation and pressure. I used to hate myself for thinking like this but I've come to terms that this is how I am, and there is little to be done about it.

I'm sure most of you sushis don't feel this way, I've yet to meet someone who does, and I don't want to derail my thread with my alien life experiences. But I am incapable to love back those who love me and it hurts sometimes.

>>4545
s/my thread/this thread/, sorry for impersonating you there OP.

i wish i ever experienced love/a crush, i feel like a bad person for turning down people that had feelings for me
i also don't have anyone to relate, the only other virgins actually experience love and their problem is that they get rejected
i don't know if there is a term or a community for what i'm experiencing, i'm thinking i'm maybe aromantic but it wouldn't make sense since i want to have romantic feelings, desperatly
people have trouble believing me when i say that i never fell in love, i feel so anormal (in a bad way)
i also wish i had female friends, but it's pretty much impossible when everything is so sexualised
i feel like >>3570, at best i find someone interesting but i don't even understand what love could be
i'm thinking maybe everyone is faking it and calling a crush simply finding the other person sexually attractive and that love is something like a good friendship with sexual attraction but that sounds very depressing, if that's just it, i can just have friends and a sextoy

>>4546
Will you just reply?

>>4545
All of my current friends I seldom talk to. Neither of us talk to the other for months at a time, and then out of the blue reach out and pick up where we left off. It's really nice as someone who finds most relationships boring but gets lonely.


I haven't felt love since my relationship with my ex fiancé went south. I have had minor little feelings here and there, and the odd hookup, but not love-love. I also became far more of a shut in since then, so no relationship has had enough oxygen to burn to the level of love. Although now that I am older I have discovered that love is not a feeling. Not really. The feeling folks describe as love is not love. It's infatuation, or puppy-love and it fades. Not knowing this caused me to ruin some really excellent romantic relationships in my youth as the feeling I thought was love faded. Love is not an emotion but a choice. One day that infatuation will fade. The relationship will run out of tinder and the fire will reduce to embers. Love is when you stoke those embers and keep the remnants of that fire alive. There may be a spark, and the fire may ignite again, but true love is the bed of coals. Not the flame.

>>4782
>true love is the bed of coals
nicely said

>>3277
recently actually. it was a bizarre experience because i never really experienced it as a kid / teen. didnt work out tho but hey, it happens. it was kind of cool though, its like i unlocked a new feeling for the first time in my life lol

>>3277
Love is an illusion, a cultural phenomenon that is advertised a day in a cultural lore, without a break.
And all this, of course, is tied to the force of sex, relationships, fetishes in the form of underwear, all kinds. In fact, this is a fiction at the level of God and religions.
If you really fall in love with someone in your life, then let this man and this languor, hormonal thrashing, burning. For any person will get tired over time and change, for people are imperfect and do not correspond to invented stamps of myths, dogmas, stereotypes, epics and poetry.

>>4771
I would like to purchase this website in the interests of the people or persons who use it, Windows Security Questions be damned.

I want to fall for someone. I want them to fall for me. It's been so long…

I've had three serious partners in my life, two were essentially ace, and all the last one did was confirm that I'm sexually worthless.

i should've just listened to the girls that bullied me when I was 15.

Today and still am

>>4866
Did I make this post and forgot?

I think 2018? Damn that was a long time ago

>>3277
never ago

4-5 years ago, never again :weedsoldier:

I had like a gf that I kissed and held hands with like 14 years ago but that was it. I never really felt romantic love for anyone besides maybe extremely mild infatuation

Neveeeeeerrrrree

Never gang!

Like 10 years ago, I don't remember exactly. And it didn't work out coz the person moved out of the country. It broke me for a good while. Now I don't even look for it.

I had this really cute friend when I was younger. I was 17 or 18 and he was 14 I think. Maybe it was just extreme infatuation but it was all the same, I felt genuinely happy when I was with him, and I kept looking after him and wanting to spend time with him.
But I never *dated* him, but I think he did want to go out with me, idk. Anyway I blew it, and that's that.

A few people have fallen for me on rare occasion but I don't love them back in the same way and it makes me feel terrible.

Maybe I need to try harder but whenever I let my walls down someone comes in and tears everything to shreds and sets up shop.

There's someone I love but she lives very far away, but she wants to see me too. I've been trying to get a new job so eventually I'll have enough to see her. I've also been exercising because I want to look good for her for when the time comes for us to see each other in person. I just hope I don't fuck everything up.

>>5564
Good luck sushi roll! I believe in you!

>>5564
Good Mokou, I like this artist. I hope you find a good job that suits your needs!

Last time I was a student. Was a terrible experience.

She was already in a relationship, though it kinda seemed as if she liked me back at times at the end. But before that there was some weird situations were it seemed like she was up to stuff with someone else (in class, not her partner) and it was hurting me alot since it was the only person in class I disliked. I still have no idea if it was just my imagination or if it was actually happening. I ended up ghosting her after we weren't classmates anymore, which I feel bad about in a way since maybe I let someone down who really needed a friend on the basis of seeing shadows of things that weren't even there.

But I wouldn't even be able to trust her answer if I confronted her about it and she said it didn't happen, since she denied having said at all things she said when I was around when it came up in conversation between us later. Sometimes I think I should reach out just to tell her the reason as to why I disappeared, give her some closure. I saw that she had messaged me wondering why I didn't message her back. But then those small annoying details peer back up and it all just gives a bad taste I don't want to indulge any further.

Just a while back I was considering trying to reach out to another classmate I was on good terms with to get help in figuring out the truth of the matter to get some peace myself, and know how to deal with this mess. But when trying to search up her contact info I find out she died.

Writing this down to savor it a little since these things don't come around often for me but I have a crush for the first time in a while.

I'm not quite sure how it'll work out but for now I'm trying to remind myself to at least enjoy it while it lasts. Even the uncertainty can be a bit exciting in itself. I really hope it goes well though..

>>5593
And now all I can think about is how its probably me being delusional, reading too much into things and its all gonna fall apart like always and I'm going to be alone again.

Long time ago.
I just wish I could've done things differently.

I fell in once love once and I decided to punish myself I will never fall in love ever again so I will never fall in love ever again and I don't care. No matter, to break the heart of someone like that, I don't deserve anything. At all. I'm sorry. Forever. I give up. I'm going to keep drinking, all I do is drink nowadays. I'm so drunk I can't feel my body.
And YOUUUUU YOUUUUUUUUUUUU another person comes into my life and tries to lead my heart astray, but ah…
I'm really messed up. I'm a horrible person. My head is throbbing. I'm so drunk I feel like I'm fading away. I wish you would just enter my dreams for once. I miss you. So so much. I miss you… A . This fucking nutcasr i know ltering sorry if this post makes no srnse om

>>5627
Am i insane

Why am i falling in love again

No no no no no no no
THIS CANT BE HAPPENING I WONT LET IT HAPPEN THIS CANT BE HAPPENING I WONT LET IT HAPPEN THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!!!
Don't steal me away from my memories of lost love, just leave me be!! Inside my mind where no one exists except the ghost of my past. I don't want to be in reality. I'm unloveable. Don't love me.